Do I Speak?

Do I Speak?

Something’s not right.

I knew it before it began…

I just didn’t know how to make out the words to say.

Do I speak? Do I speak up? I didn’t know how.

I trusted in 

What should have been 

A protector, a guide, a leader. 

Only to be hurt by whom I trusted.

Do I speak? Do I speak up? I didn’t know how.

Burdened by the internal pain

That aches louder and far more painfully than a physical wound.

An anchor of heavy hurt, disgust, shame, and regret.

I chose to carry it because 

Sharing it would mean someone else would have to know…

And I was told not to tell…

Do I speak? Do I speak up? I don’t know how. 

I got tired, beat up, and tormented by

Having to live with and know about what had happened.

I felt like I would have to live the rest of my life in the lie.

Then, reflecting on how the betrayal caused me to betray myself as a woman

Betraying the character of God that was planted in me before I was born.

I couldn’t go on like that anymore!

Do I speak? Do I speak up? I don’t know how!

Dear God, please tell me!

Tell me how, because my broken heart, fiery anger, and my low self-worth are blinding me

And it is too hard to see a path out of this. 

I will stop. I will listen. God hear my cry! 

God please speak. God please speak up. Because I know that you hear and you know how. 

by Erica Russell