Part 2: Reasons Why
I always find myself asking the question WHY when something happens contrary to what I think it should; this is a normal human response, I suppose.
I am finding that my why lingers in a bit of mistrust of others. When a family member approached me in an inappropriate way, there was nothing I had been taught that prepared me to properly speak up for myself, to know who to go to in confidence to tell about what was happening, or to know how I could distance myself from it. In a way, I felt trapped and my abusers likely knew the dilemma I faced. So, truthfully, a “why” is no surprise. Because the people in whom I instinctively trusted ultimately couldn’t be trusted, who in the world could I fully rely on?
As I started the true healing process at 31 years old, all of the “whys” burned inside, and I needed to know the answers. I didn’t feel like I could move past the hurt unless I knew. But, the answers I received went far past what I wanted to hear.
The answers to most of my “whys” were:
“Because I felt like involving the law would cause harm in the family.”
“Because I felt like telling others would embarrass the family.”
“Because I was told that what you said didn’t really happen and chose to think you’d forgotten about it.”
“Because I couldn’t financially afford to get a lawyer to fight it.”
“Because I have been through it before, and I got past it. So you can too.”
As you can imagine, I was devastated hearing all of this; they sounded like scapegoats for the truth. My emotions were all over the place trying to cope with these answers.
But along the healing journey, there was a clear choice I had to make: keep storing the anger inside due to another imperfect human being that didn’t feel comfortable accepting their hurtful choices or free myself from the prison of my emotions. We all feel that we must know the answers to who, what, when, where, how, and why for everything. The truth is that even having all the answers won’t necessarily guarantee freedom and healing. Please don’t misunderstand because knowing can offer some type of insight and can give clarity on how to move forward. But, just because you know why pain has happened doesn’t mean it will still feel right in your body, mind, or emotions.
No…true FREEDOM comes from something more…or rather SOMEONE MORE.
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with
songs of deliverance.
Psalm 32:7-NIV
by Erica Russell
